Emi's Improv

The Return of the Spiritual Warrior

I think I have some explaining to do. But that'll come later. First, I wanted to share something...

Years ago, I bought the book, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron. I've carried it around in my bag, brought it on long weekends out of town, and kept it by my bedside at home, but I've never read it.

I picked it up again today. I read a chapter entitled, "This Very Moment is the Perfect Teacher". Chodron writes,

Each day, we're given many opportunities to open up or shut down. The most precious opportunity presents itself when we come to the place where we think we can't handle whatever is happening. It's too much. It's gone too far. We feel bad about ourselves... Basically, life has nailed us.

These opportunities, or 'moments', as she also refers to them, can stir up feelings of anger, resentment, embarrassment, disappointment and fear. We do not feel in control of what is happening to us. We reach our limit, and fall apart.

But wait- this is Buddhism after all, so there must be something wonderfully valuable about feeling like crap.

These moments are when the spiritual warriors within us emerge. We look at the things that are challenging us as messengers "telling us we're about to go into unknown territory." Just don't freeze. Don't stop moving forward. Step beyond fear and hope and see this place as a "doorway to sanity." (I love the way this Buddhist nun writes!)

The egolessness of Buddhism aside, I know I'm a spiritual warrior. Years ago I learned that confronting difficult moments head on comes pretty easily to me. I somehow knew that it was the fastest and easiest route to happiness and to learning something from an otherwise icky situation. But a person doesn't build up a tolerance for confronting difficult situations. You cannot get numb to it, like slaughtering chickens, (just finished reading that part in Michael Pollan's Omnivore's Dilemma). That's not being a Spiritual Warrior. That's being a fraud. Besides, as Chodron writes,

We might think, as we become more open, that it's going to take bigger catastrophes for us to reach or limit. The interesting thing is that, as we open more and more, it's the big ones that immediately wake us up and the little things that catch us off our guard. However, no matter what the size, color or shape is, the point is still to lean toward the discomfort of life and see it clearly rather than to protect ourselves from it.

And just because I know I can get through something, and that there are spiritual and emotional gains to the experience, there have been several times when I have chosen to run. Or avoid. Or refuse to accept when I have reached my limit.

When I started this blog and wrote the e-mail to my friends and family, it was the first time that I referred to Charlie as autistic. Doesn't matter if he's 'mildly autistic' or 'high functioning' or 'non-verbal'- as recipients of the news, we all have different limits. Mild can hit just as hard as... not so mild. And what I was saying in the e-mail wasn't just that Charlie is autistic, but that I have an autistic son.

So if the news raised feelings of anger, embarrassment, fear, failure, loss of control, think of these feelings as gifts. Sit with these feelings for a while. Examine them. Settle in with them. And see where they lead you.

Start a blog.

60 Minutes

In case you missed it-
60 Minutes on CBS did a pretty great job with a story about detecting autism in children under the age of two. See the segment here:

http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml?id=2491528n

Getting Emi into College...er... Kindergarten

Only in New York could we live down the street from free-roaming peacocks. We finally saw one as we walked past St. John the Divine on the way home from Emi's school the other day. And only in New York could we be on-line, checking the results of two public school lotteries, crossing our fingers that Emi scores a place in one of the district's Kindergarten programs. Sure, we could send her to the school across the street. But I'm not too thrilled with what I've observed as their neighbor the past two years. Nor have I heard very good things about their programs. We live in a district of choice, so each school needs to offer a number of seats to incoming K's to kids throughout district three. 300 spots for 800 applicants. Obviously, many people would rather not send their child to the schools on their blocks, either.

Outcome: we're 'on hold'. The next lottery is in April. By then, we'll have gone through the Gifted and Talented lottery. We'll also see how many of the first round's 300 kids are going to private school or moving out of the city, leaving their spots to those of us 'on hold'.

While we're waiting to find out where Emi may go to school in the Fall, we're just beginning the process for Charlie. In New York State, a child ages out of Early Intervention when he turns three, so services move under the jurisdiction of the local school district. For us, that's the behemoth called the NYC Department of Education. I know this beast, but early education is not my area.

First, Charlie gets re-evaluated, to determine that he is eligible for services (we already know he is) and what type (we already know he'll be recommended for a preschool program at a city-funded school for kids with autism-spectrum disorders). Then there's the visits to schools around the city. And then applications. And waiting lists at the most desirable ones. There's a private school option for kids in this situation, too. But the tuition rates are astronomical. Some of Emi's classmates are heading to private schools with tuition rates of $23k a year and up. I can't imagine the private preschools for kids with Pervasive Developmental Disorder are any cheaper.

Charlie starts a three-part evaluation next month. Thankfully, no one has anything terrible to say about the programs in the city available for Charlie. I've learned that the suburbs offer incredible inconsistency from town to town. I'm learning a whole new set of acronyms, like CPSE, PECS, and TEACCH. I still barely understand PDD-NOS, preferring to focus on his Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) 'cuz the books are easier to understand . Or is it called Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) now? I should add a glossary of terms to this blog.

CharChar in class with shaving cream

visitors

# of people who came to the apartment during the course of the day yesterday: 7

There's not much modesty and practically no secrets left in this household. Can't be really. Yesterday, we had four therapists, one babysitter, a preschooler and her mother here over the course of the day, starting at 7:45 in the morning. The last visitor left at 4:15pm.

There is someone here when we eat, nap, shower, mop the floor, feel sick, cry, get deliveries, have tantrums, hear good or bad news, have to rush out the door...

Charlie greets each therapist with a big smile and a round of applause.

The Colorful World of the Cookie Brown House

Mommy: Who lives in the cookie brown house?
Emi: The People of Spring that love spring there.
Mommy: What do these people do?
Emi: They make spring come in different ways. They can do it with their wands, they can do it with their feet...
Mommy: Have you seen these people before?
Emi: No, they were just in my drawing.

By the way... Emi says that Baby Julia is one of these People of Spring. The People of Spring are portrayed in the drawing below...